I tend to think about woeful things.

I tend to think about bad stuff a lot. Like when I think about things, bad things tend to stick out more. I dont like to think about things in positive or negative thinking, since I think the whole doctrine of positivity is a toxic ideology. All positivism is toxic positivity if you ask me. 

You run into people all the time that rather be positive all the time. They put on a mask and never show their true selves to most people. Maybe that’s a good thing in a way but it’s frustrating when it’s someone that you like. Not sure if I’m going on a tangent with that thought. Overly nice people are fake. 

I think everything happens on a spectrum, nothing is either positive or negative. Both a negative or positive thing can be a bad thing. It depends on the context. There has to be some sort of balance. 

I tend to be on the thinking about depressing things end of spectrum way too much. Even though I do get through bad things I tend to only focus on the negatives or nothing at all. Which often leaves me feeling depressed or empty. Id like to work on that. Maybe I need some professional help for working through bad experiences I had in the past. That's currently out of reach with my income.

This place is absolutely useless and is harming me more than helping

The psychiatrist at this psyche rehab rarely meets with me. He has only met with me about 3 times the whole year I’ve been here. I’ve been at this place for over a year. 

Some of the nurses will tell me to talk to the GP, who isnt here much at all even though he’s supposed to be here every week and the times he comes in are unpredictable so I never know when he’s actually here. I asked several times to speak to him, about other issues I have unrelated to the psyche meds. He refuses to meet with me. I ask them to tell him I want to talk to him and he never shows up. 

I called the Mental Health Clinic and almost every time I call them they dont return my phone calls. 

I dont know why they expect me to talk to the GP when the he doesnt make any decisions about medications. He can only make recommendations to the psychiatrist who is usually absent. The psychiatrist doesnt even work here. 

It’s frustrating dealing with these people and I’m probably going to have to leave in order to get off these medications. I rather be homeless than be miserable on these meds. They make me absolutely loopy. At least the Divalproex. I dont think abilify does much of anything for me except introduce problems as well, but it’s tolerable compared to Divalproex. 

I decided to stop drinking caffeinated stuff

I decided to take a break from caffeine or quit it entirely. I quit it for now because I already have enough trouble sleeping. I decided to treat caffeine as a treat Id only have once in awhile. Though the once in awhile thing Id have to consider carefully as I dont want to end up in the same patterns of over doing it with caffeine.

The longer you drink coffee the more you need to get the same effect. It becomes a expensive and vicious cycle. Also when I learned the effect it has on the brain, particularly sleep ; I feel consuming it regularly isnt a great idea especially after I find myself saying things like “Coffee is happy juice” That’s not a good sign.

So far since I stopped drinking anything with caffeine I noticed I’m sleeping more. My concentration and memory is improving and I’m less prone to anxiety and or irritability as time goes on without it. 

Most of these benefits I’m seeing are probably from better sleep and also I’m not under constant caffeine withdrawal at times. I stopped at first because I was broke. I didnt even have instant coffee.

It’ll probably take me some time to fully recover. I mean I really was drinking too much caffeine. I cant really quantify it very well but it was a lot. My caffeine habits probably compounded my problems I have with sleep in general I’m on medication that makes me absolutely wacky in the evening, night and after i wake up some days. The medication makes it hard to go to sleep and stay asleep. I think the caffeine was intensifying the side effects of some of my medication.

Time keeps slipping by

Time sneaks up on you, at least for stupid people like me who are stuck in their head. It feels like yesterday I was like 25, now I'm 39. Now I have people in their 20s saying things "wow you're old" or things like "you look like a professor"

I might have some kind of mental disorder that makes me sort of slip into my head. But my god I feel old. I dont feel old, I still have my energy, physical energy anyways. I still wake up with morning wood almost every morning.

I feel like a 25 year old that has been frozen for the past several years in a lot of ways in my head the 2000s never ended. I still sort of think gender stuff is a joke like I did back then. "I sexually identify as a ROFL attack copter" or how else the old crusty meme goes. I dont understand that gender stuff at all. That just sort of showed up suddenly last year it seems. Like wtf is that shit.. And why is it so mainstream seemly all of a sudden?

Now I'm middle aged and I'm not sure what I've been doing most of my life. I have an idea, but my memory sort of hides things from me.

My mind(as everyone mind) seems to have its' own deep web. Sort of like the internet has a deep web. My mind wont allow me to look into those little databases and sometimes the black boxes will open up and surprise me with something when I 'click something' in my mind then something else appears. Reminds me of Final Fantasy VI. A monster in box. But it's not scary, it's just popping out at me and it was unexpected.

In general I have a hard time articulating my thoughts especially when I'm distracted by loud noises. Though the loud noises shouldnt be a problem so I'm correlating it with the wrong thing. 

As I understand some of my beliefs. Life is suffering, in order to be 'happy' you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable because generally if you're constantly running away from being uncomfortable you'll never be okay in your own skin. You'll never be 'happy' though happiness isnt a real thing, constant happiness. happiness is a very fleeting thing. It just doesnt work that way, the brain doesnt work that way. If there was a such thing as real happiness as people say, we wouldnt have survived as a species. 

Wanting to feel comfort is fine, but being uncomfortable leads you to grow, and ultimately leads you to feeling more comfortable, since you're less frustrated when you dont get what you want. I think this belief comes from Zen Buddhism. Which is exposed to as a kid. I was influenced by a person that believed in Zen, I think he was a youth worker of some sort, even though he didnt tell me his beliefs later I found out what those were when i thought back.  i sort of absorbed the belief system from interacting with him and never applied it fully, since I wasnt aware I had these beliefs until recently. I get confused about where things originated in my mind, so I cant be too sure.

When ever i try to tell people my beliefs they dont understand and think I'm very crazy. People dont understand what I mean because they confuse it with the other kind of Buddhism which I'm not familiar with, they think it's really weird, but Zen is nothing llike the one they think of at least by some of the things a person or two someone I talked to said, the last one totally stopped talking to me for even mentioning it. I dont mention it to people much because it doesnt come up much. In general I tell no one because I'm not able to explain it well because in general I have a hard time especially when I am sleepy.

I think I'm going to learn more about Zen, because I think it would be healthy for me to apply it fully. Since I dont currently. Also I should stop telling certain people about it that dont seem to have an open mind. 

My crappy time management skills and such

I had an idea of using my timer to manage time. 'Training wheels' for not spending so much time stuck doing something. 

timer with ten minutes left on it

So I set this timer to 20 minutes to play video games, watch videos or chat with people on the internet. And when the timer is done I set it to a 30 minutes, to "touch grass" sit around thinking about stuff, writing and chatting with local people or going for a walk. I thought this was a good solution, even though not ideal. 

I'm trying this because even though I'm not addicted to the internet it tends to suck me in for hours leaving me drained or anxious depending on what's going on. And I thought if I spent more time away from the internet I'll become more aware of what's making me anxious or drained.

A long with that I think I'll try scheduling things in more, even if it seems silly. Having a structure is a good idea. Even if I feel silly doing it because I tend to feel more comfortable doing whatever when ever because I've been a NEET for so long. Though I'm having a harder time doing it nowadays. I dont know if I have brain damage or I'm just feeling my age.

I should stop talking to people so much

I think I should spend more time alone than with other people because there are things I need to figure out. What I actually want. There's things over my life that I need to process emotionally and mentally. Like so many things have happened that probably traumatised me and I've been bottling them up. so it might be a good idea to stop distracting myself from it. Probably the reason Ive been so upset lately is it has been bubbling to the surface lately because I'm not so dopped up on medication. The medication was making it hard to feeling things so i was numbed, and now i'm just overwhelmed with things. 

I think I use things like chatting to escape from my problems. Though at the same time it's stressing me out. I dont think I'm the most social person. I never was, but for some reason lately I've been wanting to, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's from years of isolation? As social beings we crave to be social i guess,though some of us are introverted so cant be social absolutely all the time.

right now i'm sitting in a park, i hear crickets, the grass is over grown and there's mosquitos flying around me. I should come out here and sit out here more. i feel more relaxed since i sat out here even though I've been mostly writing this. maybe i should sit and hang out for awhile until its time to go inside again. and maybe i should spend more time alone and less time 'around' people. At least not the wrong people. i got to learn who are good people to hang out with and who arent. Something i shouldve learned years ago.

Thinking about thinking

I have a hard time thinking. I have a hard time conjuring up thoughts and thinking things through. It's as if I have mental blocks to certain thoughts. It can make me kind of impulsive at times, even though most of the time I do think in a way I dont do it enough and I have trouble with my memory as a result so I can be impulsive. 

The thinking problems may be due to short term memory loss, or some other thing I'm not aware of. I do remember things but sometimes I'm in my own little world and my mind is blank. I find writing about things helps because then I can see my thoughts on a page or computer screen. 

They say speech is the index of the mind(an by extension of that so is writing) So I just had this idea I could talk to myself even though it's awkward. I dont mean in a public place but maybe in private even though I have a hard time talking out loud unless I'm talking to someone. Even when I'm making a Youtube video. I should work on that. Someone told me once "If you cant talk to yourself you cant talk to anyone" or shouldnt be, I forget which. Maybe he meant if you're not talking to yourself even internally maybe it's not such a great idea or responsible.

Boring pictures of my room in the mental health rehab

This blog is rather spammy. I havnt posted in awhile. I thought Id post these pictures of my room in the mental health rehab. I spend most of my time in this room because there's nothing better to do. There is no where else to go. 

All the photos on the wall are mine. I find it more cozy in here now that I hung those up. It looks better than this that's for sure. The "Recreation therapist" was getting me to print off my photos. One of her bright ideas I suppose, she has been getting me to print off 10 per week.

I feel like ghosting everyone

I feel like becoming a hikkimori. Ghost everyone. Maybe I shouldve done that a long time ago. Though I crave social contact. Maybe I should talk to people the boomer way because talking to people online doesnt usually pan out very well because those people are usually more terminally online than I am, and I'm pretty terminally online. A lot of head cases on the internet, including the /soc/ board(makes me look sane even on a bad day, that says a lot because I am a legit head case). At least I've been attracting a lot of head cases with my posts on /soc/ so I may take a break from it. That's not to say it's all bad. I ran into a few cool people there. Though a lot of people that just suck.

They got me on a new injectable and like the day after I get it I become suicidal. These meds are making me mentally unstable at times. It comes and goes. Everything passes in the end.