My confused sexuality

Even though I'm technically bi because I like both sexes, I tend to stick with men. Sometimes I think I'm totally gay but some women I find really attractive. Though I'm afraid to talk to women except in a friendship sense because I'm not sure how to have relationships with them or being sexual with them. That might be because of past experience like rejection. But also it may be because of my gender issues. 

Even though I dont identify as transgender, because I think transgender ideology is nonsense, I do have a lot of fem aspects to my personality. It's to the point people in the past like women I've met said I was like another girl. It's been with me since I was little. 

It's my belief that our gender is determined by what we were assigned in the womb. Whether I like it or not I'll always be a man. I'm happy with that. Even though I believe these things I dont feel any disrespect towards transgender people. It's their body they can do what they want but I feel like they're making a mistake. 

That's another reason women tend to not like me in a relationship or sexual sense because they get turned off by my personality because I dont know how to behave like a typical man. In some ways my parents treated me like a little girl. They let me keep my hair long. I kept my hair mostly long until I started going bald. Not that I was trying to be a girl, I just liked it that way it felt natural. 

Sometimes when I'm looking at videos of attractive women, be it animation or other stuff  they're dancing in alluring ways sometimes I feel ashamed and have to click off it. I only can get off to porn if there's a dick in it. Otherwise I just feel bad. Even though I often get turned on by women. In this psyche rehab there's a few women i find very attractive and I sometimes get erections looking at them. 

Another reason I cant have relationships with women or have sex with them is I dont make the first move most of the time. I'm afraid to, especially with women. I tend to wait until someone comes on to me. 

There's only a few circumstances where I've made the first move and that's with men. Women I never made the first move, so with women I am mostly a virgin. I never had sex with a women. I did finger one once but I didnt feel comfortable having sex with her. We kissed and I fingered her. 

The word "pointless" doesnt do it justice

I came in here from a vape and I dont remember what I was going to write. I hate how my memory is terrible a lot of the time. It took so long to get back into the building because no one heard the door bell, or at least they didnt feel like answering it (it can only be heard in the nursing station) like usual there was no one out there so Id have to wait until someone walked by and noticed I was standing there. 

I'm waking up earlier in the morning, I set my alarm clock to wake me up for 7am. They have something on my schedule called "drop in" at 930am, which is a total joke. 

It's not so bad we just sit there and watch Youtube videos on the projector, but I dont think anyone wants to listen to a lot the stuff Id put on. Then I have to listen to what people put on there and maybe have a vapid conversation with one of the staff since I never talk to any of the patients except "hi" or "Excuse me" when they're in my way. 

I'm writing this while sleepy. That "drop in" thing is one of the only things on my schedule now and I dont know how that contributes to me getting any better. 

Things I'm doing are helping more than they ever did. They tend to take credit for when I improve even though they're doing very little. Like the doctor will say a medication is working well, when really the medication has done nothing for me except hinder me. 

Doctors in general take credit whenever I improve even though they do very little. Except drug me with stuff that messes me up.

I rather be a hermit

There's no point in talking to anyone. I'm not worth anyone's time. I have nothing interesting to say. I dont do anything interesting. I'm pointless. Might seem like a contradiction typing it on my blog, though I think other people that dont see the point in talking to anyone would feel better knowing there is someone else out there that doesnt see the point in talking to anyone. 

I'm working on changing myself and talking to people isnt getting me anywhere, so what's the point? The people I know are just dragging me down. The people that I encounter online are dragging me down. I'm much better by myself. I'm not sure if it's something missing in my head or just the places I choose to put myself arent healthy for me to be in. 

When I get my new computer from System76 I'm not going to install Hexchat or Discord on it. I'm finished with online communication outside my blog, Youtube and what I absolutely have to do to function. I'll email people I guess, but not very many people will get my email address or no one. Since most people dont care about me anyways. 

When I told one of my friends I was going to stop chatting on the internet he said he hopes I reconsider. I wasnt sure whether or not to believe him so I just left after that. He barely talks to me, why would he care if I was gone? 

I'm not sure if I want to talk to my family either. I never hear from any of them. If I ever do it's never pleasant. Conversations with dad like most of my life is like talking to a talking wall and it gets worse the older he gets. He was like that when I was a kid and now he just forgets he says things and tells me the same things repeatedly. My brother never calls me except when he has a problem with me of some kind. 

I was thinking of just letting my dad talk to my voice mail mostly because it's a lot less stressful. He's going to talk at me not with me anyways so he might as well talk to my voice mail instead of me. I suppose the same can be said for my brother, but he literally never calls anyways. My brother thinks he's better than me. And maybe he is, he's got a job while I dont but he could at least treat me with some kind of compassion. 

I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words and I often dont describe things very well. Yet people pound sunshine up my ass and tell me my writing is really good.

Chatting online is kind of pointless

I might give up on online chat all together. This means no chat like IRC or Discord. I might not go through with just giving up all together because it's fun sometimes though not very much fun usually. I just dont have the social skills involved to talk to anyone so I thought of just giving up talking to anyone unless I absolutely have to. Either that or talk to people only in RL. A lot of people online act like an ass. Though, I have no one to talk to offline or any way to meet people. I dont talk to strangers and I always thought approaching strangers was a weird thing to do. Most of the time I dont do it except in times when I wasnt thinking straight. 

I no longer want to drink so I cant meet people in bars. I wouldnt be tempted to drink beer in a bar but it would be weird being in a bar when I'm not drinking and everyone else would be buzzed. You dont meet people in coffee shops. 

Also I have a bad reputation in town due to people slandering me. So it's pretty hard to meet people when a lot of people have a pre-conceived notion of me that isnt true. 

Chatting online is a source of stress for me and it makes me feel bad about myself because I feel rejected by people. Either I'm talking to people I dont share much in common with or I just suck at interacting with people. 

Pearl Jam song I liked when I was a teen

By what I vaguely remember. I listened to this one a lot back in the day. When I had the Yield, Pearl Jam album on CD which a guy who worked with disabled youth (or whatever he was) gave to me. I dont remember. I liked the entire album, it was really nice.

Lyrics of "Pearl Jam - No way"

[Verse 1]

Here's a token of my openness

Of my need to not disappear

How I'm feeling, so revealing to me

I found my mind too clear

[Refrain]

I just need someone to be there for me

I just want someone to be there for me

[Verse 2]

All the static in my attic-a

Shoots down my sciatic nerve

To the ocean of my platitudes

Longitudes, latitudes, it's so absurd

[Refrain]

I just need someone to be there for...

I just want someone to be there for, someone to be there for me

[Chorus]

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference

I'm not trying to make a difference

I'll stop trying to make a difference

No way

I'll stop trying to make a difference

I'm not trying to make a difference

I'll stop trying to make a difference

No way

[Bridge]

Ooh, let's call in an angel

Ooh, let's call in an angel

Ooh, let's call in an angel

[Chorus]

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference

I'm not trying to make a difference

I'll stop trying to make a difference

No way

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference

I'm not trying to make a difference

I'll stop trying to make a difference

No way

[Outro]

No way

No way

Ooh, let's call in an angel

Ooh, let's call in an angel

No one cares.

Not really anyone cares about me. There are some people in my life that may feign it because they'd feel bad I guess. Maybe that's not fair to say because maybe someone cares. I stopped talking about my problems to anyone online, instead I write them on my blog because I figured pretty much no one cares. 

If anyone asks how I'm doing I'll just say I'm okay. If they really want to know how I'm doing they can open this blog, though I doubt anyone will unless I share it with them and they're bored. I shared my blog once or twice and I wont anymore or mention it to anyone. Unless they're my friend. Though I dont know how to decide whether or not someone is my friend anymore so that will be pretty much no one. 

I notice since yesterday when I stopped talking about my problems to people my stress level plummeted and I've been in a better mood. 

I dont have the skills to socialize effectively. I am boring. I dont have any interests, I just have pass times and I'm too preoccupied with my problems to really communicate with anyone. I may have some interests, but I dont know what to say about them probably because I lost the ability, something is missing in my head. I know I contradicted myself there but sometimes I feel I have no interests anymore. 

I'm stuck in a psyche rehab that's totally pointless.

This place is annoying. It's supposed to be a psyche rehab though they provide no rehabilitation whatsoever. They have a "Recreation therapist" who knocks on my door every morning. She's more of an annoyance than any help. 

Today she interrupted what I was doing just to sit out in the day room with me for 5 minutes and then she left. That annoyed me because she got me out in the day room, which stresses me out, and then she suddenly left.

She came to my door asking me if i wanted to go for a walk or play video games like she does every morning. I wish she would stop doing that. I said I wasnt feeling like going for a walk(it was raining out at the time so I didnt feel like it) she also suggested we play video games. I dont really like playing video games with her since she's worse at Tetris than me and I'm pretty bad at it. 

If I wanted to go for a walk I can do it myself, by myself. I'm not interested in playing video games with her since none of the games they have for their switch interest me. I have all my games on my computer.

About all the interaction I have with the staff that isnt me asking to talk to them is the recreation therapist knocking on my door, people knocking on my door for meals or for medication. Other than that I never hear from them. 

To make matters worse I have to follow all programming, so I absolutely have to talk to that recreation therapist, so I guess I'll have to go for walks with her even though I dont like walking around this neighbourhood because people drive like schizo's around here. 

I've been asking for PRNs to help me feel less anxious at night and sleep. The Divalproex tends to be make me more moody and anxious at night. Though I'm going to stop the PRNs for a couple days to see if it's things I'm doing on the internet that's making me moody and anxious. Since I noticed I slept well last night and there seems to be a correlation between that and no internet chat. Though it could be the Ativan helping too.

The Divalproex often makes it hard to sleep after I take it. Sometimes when I try not taking it for a couple days I can sleep okay, like a lot better. So I'm pretty sure it's the medication disrupting my sleep. Though the doctor may refuse to taper me off it so I want to see if there is any way I can cope without going off it. 

Even though I'm a voluntary patient for treatment he often refuses to taper me off certain drugs. He did agree to take me off the medication but only if I agree to take an injectable form of Abilify. Which is weird since how would that be any different than taking Abilify alone in tablet form? I have an appointment with him soon so I'll ask him about it. 

I've been feeling better since I stopped talking about my problems on chat

Not sure what it is. I decided to funnel all my complaining into this blog and I noticed I'm mostly typing about nice things all of a sudden which is changing my outlook. I found was a lot more negative when I was typing on discord. I'm not sure if it's the people I was talking to or what I was choosing to talk about. I suppose it's because typing on my blog is a different dynamic.

On the other hand I've been in Discord less and IRC not at all and I've been mostly sleeping, playing video games, listening to music and writing. When ever I talk to people I dont know what to say and it stresses me out. 

The only real interactions I had through that today were positive ones, like someone sending me a DM asking me how I was doing. 

Id like to drink more water

It's hard to remember to drink water. So I thought Id set a goal to get myself in the habit of drinking water. I thought baby steps. So I think I'll fill up my water bottle and drink it before I go to bed, and then fill it again and leave it by my bed and leave it near me so that I can drink it when I wake up. I'll also try to drink a full bottle of water at my meals.

I figured I need more water than that much water my bottle can hold each time. I also need more water when it's hot. So I'll have to figure out some way to integrate it into my routine to drink more than that. It's just any gain in water will probably help me so much. I know it may sound silly to normal people, but I cant take care of myself very well. 

I could also buy myself dill pickles, those contain water. I also try to eat more salt because I noticed I'm salt deficient. Ever since I started consuming more salt the weight has been dropping off me and I've been thinking more clearly. There seems to be a correlation. 

One time I saw a YouTube short of a guy putting a pineapple slice into a water bottle and he made a song about it. Some Jamaican man or something. some slices of cucumber would suffice too for electrlytes and to make the water more interesting. I might start buying pineapples. Those also have high amounts of salt best to my knowledge but I have to check, it's a certain type of electrolyte. 

They give people veggies when ever they ask, so that would be a good way to get some water if I dont feel like drinking it. Veggies have tons of water in them.

Caffeine detox and SMART goals

I want to go on a caffeine detox. What I mean by this is get it totally out of my system so that my tolerance goes low and my brain's adenosine receptors goes back to sort of like before I ever drank caffeine. My ultimate goal is to reintroduce caffeine, but at much lower levels and from healthier sources.

I think there's three stages to this goal. There's the weaning off period of getting myself off caffeine. Get off energy drinks, get off coffee and pop. I'll go off the coffee first. Since I dont drink coffee that much I'll just avoid it all together. As for pop, that'll be tougher. The energy drinks I'll leave until later because even though I only drink two of them a day that would be trickier(Kind of hard to wean yourself off something in such potent amounts) Then get rid of the pop. The detox period will be a different goal because I'll have to figure out ways to cope without caffeine as I use it as a tool to help me concentrate and even cope.

A nurse told me about SMART goals when I showed him my blog. Sometimes he can be really helpful. Even though most of the time I'm wasting time here a few staff here and there are helpful. I knew about SMART goals before but never tried them, he told me a little bit about them and told me to go google them. So I did and found some stuff that I can use.

I'm not sure how to go about this goal but I have a few ideas. I could switch the Pepsi Zero to regular Pepsi. Another idea is to just drink less of the Pepsi Zero. Instead of a whole one litre bottle of Pepsi Zero a day I could drink half of the bottle. I could Wean myself off pop over a period of two months. After I'm not drinking any Pepsi Zero I could drink a half bottle of regular Pepsi, and then do the same I did with Pepsi zero. No pop. 

Next would be the energy drinks, which Id do over the same time period. Drink just one energy drink per day for a period of a month and then take away the next one the next month. I may need to ask someone for some advice how to do this but i was thinking about it. 

The caffeine taper and detox would happen over 4 months. The taper of caffeine would be 2 months, the detox would be another two months. I had an idea of drinking green tea, only in the morning once my adenosine system goes back to normal. 

I wanted to be more moderate with my caffeine intake because I figured it's like throwing water on a greese fire for some of my mental health problems even though it doesnt affect me that much. Even though I can sleep fine on caffeine(I can even have a coffee and go to bed) I know it's interfering with my sleep. I already have trouble with sleep because of a medication I'm on. 

Discord can be annoying

Since Discord has been a source of stress for me I decided to mute every Discord server, since none of the ones I'm in right now I'm really that interested in keeping up with. I'll check them whenever. My notifications on that program are like the ones I have for my IRC client Hexchat, absolutely nothing. I only know I'm highlighted if I actually look into the server. 

What kind of annoyed me about Discord was there was no easy way to mute absolutely everything. All I care about is DMs, though for all the Discord servers in it was a dozen or more clicks in menus to stop them from lighting up or sending me notifications. I have everything set to notify me of nothing and I put all of them on mute so they dont light up. That way I'm not looking at a bunch of stuff that makes me want to click in and there's not all kinds of clutter in the inbox. 

Discord has too many features. I liked the simplicity of IRC, all you can do with it really is send and receive text. Similar to Discord in some ways but a lot simpler. You didnt have to deal with people highlighting the entire channel because it's not possible in irc. If someone wanted to highlight me on irc they'd have to type my nick. If they wanted to highlight everyone in the channel they'd have to place everyones nick in their message or several messages. That usually gets you kick banned in most channels on irc. On Discord is common place for people to highlight entire servers constantly every single day and no one seems to mind(which is strange). It was really annoying especially when I had discord on my phone, id frequently get notifications that were pointless.

I live in a psyche rehab. Every day there's this mentally challenged guy that loudly yells. I dont know how to describe it. It's so loud that people I talk to on the phone can hear him inside my room when he's in the common area several feet away while the phone isnt on speaker. And this is with my door closed. A guy I spoke with asked if I share a room because it was so loud he thought the guy was in the same room with me. 

I'm listening to white noise and I can still hear him and I have it full blast. He probably has the similar decibels of a siren of an ambulance. 

I knew a guy that joked that they should put a muzzle on him he's so loud. I think it's affecting the hearing of the staff because they act like they are hard of hearing sometimes. They also talk at an elevated volume which is really annoying because I hear conversations all the time in my room even when they're down the hall. They claim the sound just carries because of the construction of the building. But I think it's because they're just loud.

There's also this old man that often plays music on the TV at ear piercing volumes, sometimes it's so loud I can hear the lyrics of the song all the way in my room which is further away from the room with the TV in it. It's so bad the speakers on the TV are starting to go so everyone has to play it at a crazy volume to hear certain things. The noise pollution in here really stresses me out. One of the last times I saw the doctor he said I must be sensitive to noise. But he's never here so he wouldnt know.

This is supposed to be a place where people get rehabilitation but they dont do anything for me. The only programming they have for me to stuff that's a chore like cleaning my room, or stupid stuff like going out to a trail and taking photos because they know I like taking photos. Even that I dont like doing because they tend to take me to the same places repeatedly. There's no therapy. 

I used to see an "occupational therapist" but she doesnt seem to know how to help me and she's often in a rush. She moves on to the next thing before I'm ready which makes her totally useless to talk to. She just hands me a bunch of stuff she printed off from google with no explanation and expects me to know what to do with it. She leaves it up to me to decide what I need help with which isnt very helpful. Since she just hands me stuff she apparently printed off from google and doesnt give me any direction I'm pretty much on my own. I get more help from google searches and talking to random people in chatrooms and posting questions on /adv/ and /wsr/ than talking to anyone here. 

The most the OT did was get me a incomplete course on Udemy for the COMPTIA A+ certification. Even if I finished it wouldnt get me the certification. Though I'm not too motivated to even get it partially since I'm not sure they're going to be able to get the other modules of the certification nor am I sure if it's worth pursuing anymore in this day in age. 

Email anxiety and iPhone security meme

I dont know why I check my email several times a day on a week-end when I'm otherwise not getting any email. I was just hoping to get some email. Since I emailed someone the day before. Though I think that's one of the things that causes me anxiety. I thought of downloading the email app again so that I'm notified so I dont have to check it frequently to stay on top of email, because sometimes I do have to stay on top of it. Though today is not the day so it's just causing me stress. The reason I no longer had the app on my phone was because I was worried my iPhone had been infected. 

I phone security is a meme. They're really no more secure than an Android device. In fact, anything running an operating system of some kind is vulnerable. People get a false sense of security with Apple devices. I'm not sure if it's some kind of marketing hype that people that arent tech savvy get sucked into, it probably is. People in general are gullible because they dont care to think and consider what they hear, like the source of it. 

Id like to look into the Apple iOS security meme. I'm kind of curious.

About all I like about my iPhone is the build quality, the camera and the screen. Other than that I dont use it much for the smart phone features since I'm not good at using smart phones. I've only been using a smart phone for the past 3 or so years because before that smart phones were too expensive. Most of my smart phones were second hand. 

I'm probably going to have to replace my iPhone because I think the speaker got damaged from when I had mineral oil in my ears. Apple tech support is dog shit so Id probably have to replace the phone. A lot of people I have a hard time hearing them unless the phone is on speaker. I'll probably switch to a Google Pixel when ever I can afford it. 

There's certain things about iOS I didnt like. Those things are most of the apps in the appstore wanting a subscription, just to use the app. Apple's tech support, which were of no help at all when i was concerned my phone got hacked. they actually were really rude and when I actually talked to them through text they didnt seem like they knew what they were doing. 

I cant flash the phone because of the locked down nature of iPhones. On android devices I can flash the phone with a different ROM if i want and I can flash the phone with the original operating system if i want through the companies software. On Apple you cant do that apparently. 

Even when I use the restore feature or whatever it was on my iPhone the strange behaviour persisted so apparently it wasnt totally wiped. The only way I could probably is going to a "genius bar" to get my phone looked at. But judging by how the people on Apple's tech support lines behave I'm not sure that would be any help. More like "idiot bar" if you ask me. 

I might become a non drinker

Nowadays I drink once or twice per year. Though I'm thinking of not doing that anymore either. My tolerance is getting so low that 4 strong beer gets me pretty buzzed. It's also not a good idea in my emotional state a lot of the time.  

I've always been aware of the dangers of alcohol. My dad took me to his alcohol anonymous meetings when I was young so I got an ear full of stories about the dangers alcohol, I dont remember any of the stories because I was young but I think I internalized them. 

I dont know why in our culture alcohol tends to be given a positive spin given how destructive it can be if abused. I consider drinking every week-end a form of alcohol abuse. That may be a strange thing to believe to some people. Though I think any mind altering substance is bad for your mind and makes you more deluded if done to an excess. 

The slippery slope argument may be a fallacy, though for some people if you're drinking alcohol every week-end you could end up drinking it every day if you're the addictive type. Also if you're spending a lot of your social life drinking that's probably not good for you either, as a lot of people drink on the week-ends to decompress from a stressful work week. I think totally sober is the best way to go. Alcohol is a toxin literally and figuratively for both your mind and body so it's best not to do it not much at all.  There's better ways to relax or have fun. 

I've been thinking of going on a caffeine detox

I drink an average of two energy drinks and a one litre bottle of pop each day, just to feel normal. The pop I usually drink is Pepsi zero which has twice the caffeine as normal Pepsi. I need to drink those to feel normal throughout the day, otherwise I feel anxious and tired. 

I thought of weaning myself off the caffeine for awhile and not drinking any caffeine for a month or two(to detox and lower my tolerance to caffeine) and switching to green tea, as it's only natural all of this is affecting my sleep and my concentration in general. Green tea has less caffeine and in general it's a lot healthier for you. 

Not sure how Id wean myself off the caffeinated beverages. Though I think it's a good idea. 

I have trouble doing things I enjoy

An example of this is I bought the Final Fantasy VI Pixel remaster and I only managed to play it for 40 minutes, then I lost my attention span. Even though I enjoy video games occasionally, I dont have the concentration to play them much anymore. 

Though I have a hard time doing anything that requires much effort even if I enjoy it. I only do things most of the time that that dont require much effort. Things like typing and listening to music and writing inane messages to strangers.

Well I suppose I'll just sperg about the game. At first I thought it would suck because they'd just dress up Final Fantasy VI in nicer graphics and sound, but they actually did a good job on it, it actually did  the game justice and actually meet the expectations of my nostalgia goggles I have for the graphics and sound of that game. I thought it was a timeless classic and making the graphics better would ruin it. Though it actually wasnt that bad. Also they improved the UI of the game and such, made it more adapted to the PC.

A person I talked to says Square Enix made the game easier. I noticed that aspect when I was stealing potions from some monsters in the game to get a supply, the monsters were dropping them as well so all you had to do was defeat them to get the potions. I remember when I played that game as a kid I didnt think to keep a supply of potions and then I got stuck. 

"should I stop talking to people?"

I posted this is the /adv/ board on 4chan for something to do. I guess because my intention was to get some advice. I copy and pasted the whole thread below. Oddly enough people on /adv/ give you good input  three quarters of the time. The other qourter of the times I post it's either stuff that doesnt help or no one replies.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

should I stop talking to people? Anonymous 06/24/23(Sat)17:49:03 No.29206532 ▶

>>29207611

I debating whether or not I should stop talking to people all together. For the past 6 months or so I've been posting ads in /soc/ Discord threads. It really stressed me out and made me feel horrible about myself. Though I dont think it's /soc/ per se, I think it's mostly I just have a hard time communicating with people in general. Though I've always found Discord hard on the head even though I'm used to it now. (Before 7 months ago I mainly used IRC) I have similar problems in RL, on dating apps. I've ghosted pretty much everyone in RL because I cant trust them. Though that was just one person. I never had lasting friendships. I thought of becoming fairly recluse and just talk to people very seldomly. So far some steps I took to mitigate too many people contacting me is I turned off friend requests on discord and turned off message requests so I'm not getting DM's from random people in servers I dont talk in. That got to be a problem. Id get DMs people apparently trying to scam me or random people out of the blue from discord servers i never talked in that just like my pfp. I cant remember what specifically. Also my memory is poor due to medication I take.

>>

 Anonymous 06/24/23(Sat)17:53:24 No.29206551▶

>>29206599

>I debating whether or not I should stop talking to people all together.
only if you want to end up killing yourself. but move on from para-social relationships online thats a waste of time

>>

 Anonymous 06/24/23(Sat)18:00:12 No.29206599▶

>>29206622

>>29206551
How is that parasocial? I'm talking to them in DM directly or in channels.

>>

 Anonymous 06/24/23(Sat)18:03:07 No.29206622▶

>>29206599 (You)
online relationships are always parasocial thats why

>>

 Anonymous 06/24/23(Sat)18:15:21 No.29206694▶

dont get discouraged, /soc/ is the worst board on 4chan, literally any other form of social interaction is better than that

>>

 Anonymous 06/24/23(Sat)19:57:18 No.29207291▶

If you're unsure of whether it's a good idea or not, you probably don't have the fortitude for it.

>>

 Anonymous 06/24/23(Sat)20:37:38 No.29207611▶

>>29206532 (OP)
The medication clearly isn't helping you

I bought a System76 Laptop

Even though it'll probably make using the computer easier there was probably better things I could be spending my money on. I was just impulsive. I got back pay of a tax refund. I didnt do my taxes 4 four years since I was bouncing around hospitals and I'm a NEET, so I get tax refunds every year. Most of the reason I wanted to spend the money fast was because I was afraid it would get stolen from my bank account by my 1337 haxors. Yes I really do believe people hack my computer constantly. Not sure if there in my computer now. They might be, though who knows. I've gotten used to feeling like I'm being watched. They made their presence obvious at times. 

Though anyways that wasnt the point. Well there is no point, my canine friend. My audience is dog. You must be dog reading this? Can dogs read? Far as I know they cant. Might as well be. Since dogs dont read and therefore dont read my blog. Well I sure hope not for the sake of their sanity. 

Who knows I may enjoy my System76 laptop. I always wanted a totally open source computer. Though when I tried out Pop OS I didnt really like it. Though I guess I can get used to it. I'm just stuck in my ways. I like having a taskbar, that's partly why i preferred XFCE because it's sort of like a clone of the old Windows 9x UI in a lot of ways. Maybe the interface of Pop OS is more intuitive and i should just adapt. I'm going to run the OS that the system was actually designed for so I get the benefit of the features of the thing like the battery life and such. 

I might even do more productive things with the laptop, as it has a CPU that is much more powerful than the one that's in my aging Thinkpad. The Lemur Pro I bought has 10 cores and 12 threads, while my Thinkpad has 2 cores and 4 threads. The single thread rating of the CPU in the new laptop is 3 times more powerful than the old CPU, if i recall correctly. I looked it up on passmark earlier.

I'm looking forward to it arriving. Maybe I'll get some work done. Sometimes my computer gets in the way it's so old. The Thinkpad chokes on editing 1080p video. I suppose it makes sense it's almost 10 years old.

Well on the bright side I'm probably going to save the rest of money in my savings account for a rainy day. That probably would be smart for various reasons. I later realized that my fears of my money being stolen so easy were unfounded.

I have nothing of value to contribute to the world

I dont do anything particular useful far as I know. This blog is an example of it. I annoy people online by talking about things they dont care about and a lot of people dont want to talk to me, because I'm a sperg. That's at least what I call myself even though my lack of social skills may not be autism, it's probably an issue of  socialization because i was neglected and isolated growing up. 

So this blog is where I put all my personal thoughts. It will probably be like reading a Livejournal from the 2000s, but without the cheesy thing at the end where someone writes out their current mood. I suppose you'll gleam my mood from reading the text. This blog will probably be very banal. Though anyone that's interested in the thoughts of others might find something that would interest them here. I might write something funny.

This blog is containment for my sperg. So I'm not spewing my sperg everywhere i go. Annoying people being egocentric. If anyone wants me to talk about myself all the time they can read my blog or something. Though of course I'll have a filter because I'm putting this out on the internet for anyone to read. Maybe I should write in my journal more. Though I tend to feel better when i express something to another person, as human beings we are social creatures. 

I wont tell anyone about this blog, except those closest to me or hidden in a link somewhere. People may find my blog through a google search and they'd be like "what is this?" and then click off. Oh well. The internet is full of garbage. Reddit is a prime example. I hate Reddit.