Need to sleep more

Today, I realized I’m not getting enough sleep. I often wake up at strange hours when I sleep, today I decided to go back to bed and sleep some more. Usually, I stay up. Though I think a lot of my emotional and mental problems are from lack of sleep. My mood is better and I feel more cognizant. I need to make sleep more of a priority. Though I often dont know when I need to sleep.

My room in the mental health rehab

Some pointless photos of my room in the mental health rehab. People I've shown photos of my room said it looks like a jail cell in europe(or something) That didnt make much sense to me. I imagine they dont have computers in their rooms in those jails 

I spend most of my time in this room, because there's nothing better to do here and no where to go. I sit around on my computer and chat with random people on the internet. I wish I had the motivation to do more useful things but I'm often very unmotivated to do much of anything on the medication I'm on. The medication also makes me stupid. 

Vidya gaymes “aint no body got time for dat”

Even though I have plenty of of free time I get reminded of that meme when I think of video games nowadays. I do play games a little bit but they just don’t hold my attention much anymore. 

It’s not like the 90s and the 00s where there was real innovation, now it’s mostly just, same old, same old and (just maybe a new coat of pretty graphics) 

The cool stuff is out of reach because you’d need an expensive gaming computer to play it(things like VR like Beat Saber) Even if I had the money I wouldnt build a one to play Beat Saber much as Id like to play it. It would just be a waste of money. And it wouldnt hold my attention for long even though Id probably find it fun. So no point in that. 

A lot of video games are like shovelware nowadays far as I know. Especially things like Pokemon. They keep turning out the same game and just dressing it up differently and for some reason idiots still buy it, or maybe they’re just young and don’t know any better. 

The last Pokemon games that were worth anyone’s time were Red and Blue on the Gameboy. The rest is recycled crap. Not even worth the electricity going through the internet of people downloading the games or the plastic on the cartridges. Hell Nintendo Switch is a waste of plastic and silicone too. What a steaming pile of shit. 

I could write more about how video games are kind of pointless and don’t know how anyone gets addicted to them anymore. But I think I said enough anyways. 

I'm bored and boring

 I have nothing interesting to say. One time I browsed to the paranormal board on 4chan just for something to do. I didnt read anything because it's just schizo's rambling about stuff. I thought this picture was pretty so I thought Id slap it here. Aliens? they may exist but they're arent interested in us and chances are we are all alone, you know how rare of a place earth is? 

Anyways that reminds me of something. Just me pasting this unrelated image I was reminded of a guy I met on Discord would said I was soulless. Because he found me cropping my pfp from a meme without knowing the lore of the character souless.

I just liked the expression on her face I felt it fit me so I picked it as my pfp. Why take a series that seriously? Isnt there like better things to spend your energy on? 

I really liked the guy at the time but in retrospect he was pompous, even called himself "Serenity" when he first added me over /soc/ on 4chan. The whole time I talked to him I was infatuated with him for some weird reason. I was afraid to talk to him because subconciously without realizing it I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. I think I was. Honestly, I really need to find better things to do and get off some of the medication that makes me stupid. 

Most of the month I knew him I barely messaged him and instead blogged in his friends server. It was an odd sight in Discord. Very chill, had a few people that seemed very functional. 

They were toxic in a way that was helpful. Other Discord communities, well most of the servers on Discord was like being bukkaked with nonesense. I kind of liked that one even though I shared nothing in common with the people in there except for a vague interest in Touhou while they were hardcore fans. My interest in everything is vague so maybe I share nothing in common with anyone. 

Sperging on IRC.

 Well I sperg everywhere that's nothing new. 

"IRC is dead, long live IRC" blog post

"IRC (Internet Relay Chat) has been around since 1988, which makes it ancient in Internet terms. And although it’s still used by hundreds of thousands of users around the world, IRC has seen a dramatic downturn in usage.We have talked to the creator of IRC, and others, about why the once so widely used technology has seemingly fallen out of favor with so many users."

 Click to read whole blog post

I remember running into that blog post more than 10 years ago. IRC is still around. There's people that prefer it over things like Discord. After my foray into Discord for the past 6 months and some things I learned about it I dont blame them. Even though I met some good people, Discord as a company is sinister. Also a lot of the communities on Discord are toxic. It's even worse than a lot of IRC channels and some IRC channels can be pretty toxic because a lot of networks have lax rules. IRC is still around.

I actually started getting into IRC around the time this blog post was made because it was the place to be to talk about Linux related stuff. Back in the 2000s i was very recluse and wasnt interested in it even though that was IRC's hey day. Far as I know I didnt talk to much of anyone even online back in the 2000s.

 

This mental health "rehab" is a joke

The only useful thing this place does is serve as life support for mentally challenged and senile people. They spend the most time with the two mentally challenged people that are here. Everyone else are mostly left to their own devices. 

I need some sort of help, but I'm definitely not getting it here. They dont even put in the time. They're mostly an annoyance. They're more punitive than helpful. I'm sure most of the notes they write about me are problems they report to the doctor, who isnt very well informed about me because he never meets with me. He's only met with me about 2 or 3 times the whole year I've been here. It doesnt really matter what I do, they tend to exaggerate everything I do. An example of this is they often describe me as yelling at times when I wasnt yelling. Or they’ll describe me as “agitated” when I was just frustrated and speaking in a calm voice. They seem to write inaccurate notes all the time which makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me not want to talk to most of them out of fear of getting over medicated again. 

They say I'm not capable of making placement decisions, but they're doing nothing to "rehabilitate" me even though this place has the word rehabilitation in its name.  Its really messed up how little they do here, I can imagine how much this place probably costs to run, like a lot, doesnt take a genius to figure that one out. They could fire half the staff and not much would be different. Most of the staff are redundant and they're paid pretty well. 

"Im too stupid"

I have trouble doing anything hard because I think I'm stupid a lot of the time. Like if I dont understand something I'll immediately think I'm stupid. Im not sure how to get out of this frame of thinking. Some of the thoughts I have about learning new things is “I’m stupid” “my brain is broken” “I’ll fail”

I think I feel similar thoughts about people. “They don’t like me” “Im too stupid” “they’ll get angry at me”. Yet its like a self fulfilling prophecy because people often think I’m stupid.

A lot of the time I have no motivation to do anything and I’m not sure why. Not sure if it’s because I keep thinking I’m stupid, or I’m comparing myself to other people. 

A lot of people compliment me on my computer skills, though I tend to think what I do they could do if they put their mind to it, they’re just too lazy. I learned my skills just bashing my head into a wall for years. Most people arent willing to do that. Also I just enjoy using my computer even though all I do on it is write inane notes to strangers and watch Youtube videos, or maybe play a video game.

I want to learn to program, I have learned some programming, but not very much. I lost all motivation to learn anything new. 

A lot of people I talk to about my problems think I’m depressed. I tend to depress people, I have no friends except people that depress me. Everyone else either ghosted me or ejected me out of their lives. 

Though I think there’s not much I can do about being depressed. I cant afford therapy. All that’s available to me is anti depressants and I know those don’t work and will make my problems worse. I was on Paxil before and I have permanent side effects from it.

Ungoogled Chromium

I've been using Ungoogle Chromium. I switched from Google Chrome because I found out it's basically spyware according to this article on the spyware watchdog website. I also want to run mostly open source software if possible. 

The only propietary software I run currently are my video games I have on steam. I dont play very many video games, so it's not a big deal if some of them dont work. I thought if running a Windows vm for that purpose once I learn qemu(You can pass hardware like the GPU to the guest machine from the host running the vm with qemu so you can play games on it as if it was running on bare metal) 

Apparently according to that site even Firefox in the default state is basically spyware. Though I switched from Firefox for a different reason. Before Firefox was frequently locking up on my computer so that's why I switched to Google Chrome for awhile. I also liked the convienence of syncing everything. Though later I realized how foolish that was. Ungoogled chromium is basically the same browser but it seems to be less bloatey. Probably because there's less going on with it.

People on Discord

I'm not sure if I had any friends on Discord. There was a few people that were friendly with me and checked in on me occasionly. But with those people it got more sporadic and they didnt talk very much. People rarely DM me on Discord anymore. I had a friends list full of people that I hadnt talked to in months and I doubt any of them want to talk to me. 

I guess if anyone really wants to talk to me they know where to find me. I shared my blog in a few servers(my other blog anyways) This blog I only shared in my server and to a few people I dont mind reading my sperg. I welcome anyone that still wants to talk to post a comment. Though I doubt I'll hear from anyone. They also have my Twitter, though I'm not sure if anyone can DM me on that because of how Twitter has gone to shit lately by what I heard.

For now on I'll just chat on Rizon IRC. I find it easier on the head. Also it's not a serious concern like Discord even though I'm not even sure why I'm spooked by it because I'm under the haze of the medication. Though Discord is spooky. You can even say it's spooky wooky if you want to be cute about it. 

I might use my #DoNothingINC channel on Rizon for chatting with my friends. No one is in there now because we all talk in another private channel, so it would be redundant. I might make it invite only so that no one can come in that I dont know. I'm not good at IRC channel management because I'm not experienced with it even though I had my own irc channels in the past. Several of them. I just forget and most of the time I left them wide open for anyone to join, even unregistered users. 

My nick is adrien so if anyone reads this sees me anywhere say hello! In these uncertain days of the internet it's good to be knowledgeable of IRC. Actually, it is any time, since IRC is very robust. Probably when things really hit the shitter in the world IRC will still be remain because of it's decentralized nature. 

I decided to stop using Discord

Mostly because it annoys me and also even for someone that doesnt care much about privacy(since what can you do) Discord is especially sinister. Not only does their software act like malicious malware, they do other stuff that's creepy too that I cant articulate. This page and the following youtube video affected my decision. I only watched the video partially like half way through but it was enough to make me stop using the service all together, with what I learned from the spyware watchdog site and the Youtube video. Also what I already knew before knowing all of this. 

The staff at this mental health rehab are sinister

Sometimes they'll lurk by my door when I'm watching a Youtube video. Sometimes I'll see a shadow next to my door or I'll hear them. It mostly makes me feel uncomfortable because I know they're stupid and probably would take something they hear out of context. 

The camera's all have microphones on them(I saw them watch the retarded guy through one and talk to him through one of them) There's one of those security camera's next to my room and I think they may have been using those camera's to spy on me because the walls in here are paper thin. 

I dont care about spying by corporations online, because they'll be up your butt anyways and generally dont care what you do in most circumstances except to sell you useless shit. But spying by idiots irritates me because they'll misinterpret the information or misuse it. I've had idiots do this sort of thing for years and being a nurse doesnt automatically make you a smart person. A lot of these people act like morons.

They seem to react to everything I say in the room, at least some things. Like I'll hear them laugh when I say certain things. Some of the nurses cackle loudly late at night. It's annoying. 

They dont even do regular checks anymore, they check on me at random which puts me on edge because I dont know when they're going to look in. I dont know why they need to do checks anyways, the fact they do it so irregular makes me feel uncomfortable. Not because the fact they do checks but because it's jarring. I'll be doing something then suddenly someone quickly looks in the curtain. One them keeps me up at night because she walks heavy on her feet. 

Re: Reasons not to use Discord Communications System

I've considered not using Discord anymore. Not due to the therein pasted text on Rich Stallman's website. I dont really care much for privacy because I figured why care about something that's basically a lost cause? Though maybe I havnt put much thought into it. I have some people I enjoy talking with on Discord. A lot of them wouldnt use other chat programs such as ones used to chat on IRC networks. 

There's a lot of things I dont care about that I probably should care about. There's certain aspects of Discord I dont like, like they're rampant disregard for free speech, the interface is annoying, and I find it an insult to my senses at times and also Discord's general moral turpitude to their users(I think Stallman touched on that a bit). So far I havnt been affected by it. Though I just dont care. Though I'm considering what Richard Stallman said on his page. 

 "

Reasons not to use the Discord communications system

• The Discord communications system requires running a nonfree client program. That alone is reason to refuse to use it.

• The program reportedly collects lots of data about users.
  The developer denies the claim that Discord reports which processes are running on the user's machine. I have no way of determining the facts about this specific point. Whether it collects those particular data is a minor detail; I mention it only to avoid appearing to assert a criticism that might not be true.

  For the same reason, I mention that selling personal data is not the sole way that the company makes money.
  I don't think that question how it makes money really matters. What matters, ethically, is what the software does to users. The developers' motives for making it do those things are pertinent to understanding the situation but should not affect our moral judgment of mistreatment of users.

• One user quit using Discord because it demanded she fill out a Google reCAPTCHA, apparently because she was connecting through Tor.

  Google CAPTCHAs didn't work for me, because they required running nonfree Javascript code.

• Discord insists on tracking users. If a user connects through a VPN, Discord demands that user provide a phone number.

• Discord locks accounts that don't have associated phone numbers. When an account is locked, also called "deactivated", the user is not allowed to make real use of it until person adds a phone number.

• Discord may demand to talk with you by phone if it decides you are suspicious — for instance, if you contact it via Tor.

  If I understand right, if you use Discord regularly via Tor you would need to carry that phone with you all the time. A burner phone, one what you possess only for a short time, would not be allowed to do the job.

  Thus, whoever uses Discord gets tracked either by the Discord server (and anyone looking at where the packets are coming from) or by the phone.

  Don't yield to this -- just tell Discord to take a flying leap!

• Users report that Discord shut off their accounts and won't tell them why.

• I would appreciate suggestions of other pages to use as factual references for specific wrongs committed by Discord, or to correct on a trustworthy basis any false accusations in the page linked to above.

---

The Discord web site also offers nonfree application programs. You shouldn't use them, naturally, but they are a separate issue from using the communications system itself.

---

Reportedly the Discord web app sends tracking data to /science instead of the usual /track, so as to thwart extensions to limit tracking. Reportedly there is a switch that disables (some) data collection, but it doesn't affect the sending of tracking data to the server.
If you know of references for this information, please tell me.

---

Copyright (c) 2017, 2018, 2019 Richard Stallman Verbatim copying and redistribution of this entire page are permitted provided this notice is preserved."

https://stallman.org/discord.html 

 

I posted this to the /adv/ board on 4chan, hoping to get some advice. But I think it was too rambly and too long, people probably saw what they thought was a wall-o-text and scrolled off. Though writing that helped me figure some things out. So maybe I should ask myself more than ask a random anoynmous image board. They do help... sometimes. 

some cringey videos from 2000s internet

I came across these videos when I was in my 20s on a site called bt3a. Which was a pretty inane website. I loved it though. Some of the stuff they made still survives on Youtube. The site is lost to time. 

I might as well post all the ones I liked on there so this can be a collection of the stuff I saw on there that I thought was funny at the time. Pretty vapid in retrospect. I'll just put it here because the site was pretty obscure and probably not very many people know of these things(that i am aware of) I cant find the smoke a fag song, which was beyond stupid.(fag is british slang for ciggerette)

I wish I could see a psychologist

Psychology isnt covered in Canada. There are some free therapy available, though it takes years to get. Like many years to get. I'll probably be in my 50s before I get to see one of those public therapists. As the boomers would put it, they are as scarce as "hen's teeth".

I did find a line where you can call once a week and get a 45 minute session. Though it was strange because at first when I called the line they said it was a one time thing, then after my 45 minute session on the phone with the counselor she said I could call back. I'm not sure if I got confused and misunderstood someone. 

I lost the phone number anyways. Though things like that line are pretty transient. I imagine even if I regularly called the line i wouldnt get the same person each time, that is if I'm allowed to have a 45 minute session each time. They wouldnt know my history they'd only know what I'm telling them, so they wouldnt have a coherent view of me like a regular therapist would. I'm not sure that would get me anywhere. 

My setup in the nutward

 I thought it would be only appropriate since this is a nut blog to post my computer setup in the nutward. At least that's what my friends call it, even though it's technically a psyche rehab.