"Im too stupid"

I have trouble doing anything hard because I think I'm stupid a lot of the time. Like if I dont understand something I'll immediately think I'm stupid. Im not sure how to get out of this frame of thinking. Some of the thoughts I have about learning new things is “I’m stupid” “my brain is broken” “I’ll fail”

I think I feel similar thoughts about people. “They don’t like me” “Im too stupid” “they’ll get angry at me”. Yet its like a self fulfilling prophecy because people often think I’m stupid.

A lot of the time I have no motivation to do anything and I’m not sure why. Not sure if it’s because I keep thinking I’m stupid, or I’m comparing myself to other people. 

A lot of people compliment me on my computer skills, though I tend to think what I do they could do if they put their mind to it, they’re just too lazy. I learned my skills just bashing my head into a wall for years. Most people arent willing to do that. Also I just enjoy using my computer even though all I do on it is write inane notes to strangers and watch Youtube videos, or maybe play a video game.

I want to learn to program, I have learned some programming, but not very much. I lost all motivation to learn anything new. 

A lot of people I talk to about my problems think I’m depressed. I tend to depress people, I have no friends except people that depress me. Everyone else either ghosted me or ejected me out of their lives. 

Though I think there’s not much I can do about being depressed. I cant afford therapy. All that’s available to me is anti depressants and I know those don’t work and will make my problems worse. I was on Paxil before and I have permanent side effects from it.