Need to sleep more

Today, I realized I’m not getting enough sleep. I often wake up at strange hours when I sleep, today I decided to go back to bed and sleep some more. Usually, I stay up. Though I think a lot of my emotional and mental problems are from lack of sleep. My mood is better and I feel more cognizant. I need to make sleep more of a priority. Though I often dont know when I need to sleep.

My room in the mental health rehab

Some pointless photos of my room in the mental health rehab. People I've shown photos of my room said it looks like a jail cell in europe(or something) That didnt make much sense to me. I imagine they dont have computers in their rooms in those jails 

I spend most of my time in this room, because there's nothing better to do here and no where to go. I sit around on my computer and chat with random people on the internet. I wish I had the motivation to do more useful things but I'm often very unmotivated to do much of anything on the medication I'm on. The medication also makes me stupid. 

Vidya gaymes “aint no body got time for dat”

Even though I have plenty of of free time I get reminded of that meme when I think of video games nowadays. I do play games a little bit but they just don’t hold my attention much anymore. 

It’s not like the 90s and the 00s where there was real innovation, now it’s mostly just, same old, same old and (just maybe a new coat of pretty graphics) 

The cool stuff is out of reach because you’d need an expensive gaming computer to play it(things like VR like Beat Saber) Even if I had the money I wouldnt build a one to play Beat Saber much as Id like to play it. It would just be a waste of money. And it wouldnt hold my attention for long even though Id probably find it fun. So no point in that. 

A lot of video games are like shovelware nowadays far as I know. Especially things like Pokemon. They keep turning out the same game and just dressing it up differently and for some reason idiots still buy it, or maybe they’re just young and don’t know any better. 

The last Pokemon games that were worth anyone’s time were Red and Blue on the Gameboy. The rest is recycled crap. Not even worth the electricity going through the internet of people downloading the games or the plastic on the cartridges. Hell Nintendo Switch is a waste of plastic and silicone too. What a steaming pile of shit. 

I could write more about how video games are kind of pointless and don’t know how anyone gets addicted to them anymore. But I think I said enough anyways. 

I'm bored and boring

 I have nothing interesting to say. One time I browsed to the paranormal board on 4chan just for something to do. I didnt read anything because it's just schizo's rambling about stuff. I thought this picture was pretty so I thought Id slap it here. Aliens? they may exist but they're arent interested in us and chances are we are all alone, you know how rare of a place earth is? 

Anyways that reminds me of something. Just me pasting this unrelated image I was reminded of a guy I met on Discord would said I was soulless. Because he found me cropping my pfp from a meme without knowing the lore of the character souless.

I just liked the expression on her face I felt it fit me so I picked it as my pfp. Why take a series that seriously? Isnt there like better things to spend your energy on? 

I really liked the guy at the time but in retrospect he was pompous, even called himself "Serenity" when he first added me over /soc/ on 4chan. The whole time I talked to him I was infatuated with him for some weird reason. I was afraid to talk to him because subconciously without realizing it I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. I think I was. Honestly, I really need to find better things to do and get off some of the medication that makes me stupid. 

Most of the month I knew him I barely messaged him and instead blogged in his friends server. It was an odd sight in Discord. Very chill, had a few people that seemed very functional. 

They were toxic in a way that was helpful. Other Discord communities, well most of the servers on Discord was like being bukkaked with nonesense. I kind of liked that one even though I shared nothing in common with the people in there except for a vague interest in Touhou while they were hardcore fans. My interest in everything is vague so maybe I share nothing in common with anyone. 

Sperging on IRC.

 Well I sperg everywhere that's nothing new. 

"IRC is dead, long live IRC" blog post

"IRC (Internet Relay Chat) has been around since 1988, which makes it ancient in Internet terms. And although it’s still used by hundreds of thousands of users around the world, IRC has seen a dramatic downturn in usage.We have talked to the creator of IRC, and others, about why the once so widely used technology has seemingly fallen out of favor with so many users."

 Click to read whole blog post

I remember running into that blog post more than 10 years ago. IRC is still around. There's people that prefer it over things like Discord. After my foray into Discord for the past 6 months and some things I learned about it I dont blame them. Even though I met some good people, Discord as a company is sinister. Also a lot of the communities on Discord are toxic. It's even worse than a lot of IRC channels and some IRC channels can be pretty toxic because a lot of networks have lax rules. IRC is still around.

I actually started getting into IRC around the time this blog post was made because it was the place to be to talk about Linux related stuff. Back in the 2000s i was very recluse and wasnt interested in it even though that was IRC's hey day. Far as I know I didnt talk to much of anyone even online back in the 2000s.

 

This mental health "rehab" is a joke

The only useful thing this place does is serve as life support for mentally challenged and senile people. They spend the most time with the two mentally challenged people that are here. Everyone else are mostly left to their own devices. 

I need some sort of help, but I'm definitely not getting it here. They dont even put in the time. They're mostly an annoyance. They're more punitive than helpful. I'm sure most of the notes they write about me are problems they report to the doctor, who isnt very well informed about me because he never meets with me. He's only met with me about 2 or 3 times the whole year I've been here. It doesnt really matter what I do, they tend to exaggerate everything I do. An example of this is they often describe me as yelling at times when I wasnt yelling. Or they’ll describe me as “agitated” when I was just frustrated and speaking in a calm voice. They seem to write inaccurate notes all the time which makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me not want to talk to most of them out of fear of getting over medicated again. 

They say I'm not capable of making placement decisions, but they're doing nothing to "rehabilitate" me even though this place has the word rehabilitation in its name.  Its really messed up how little they do here, I can imagine how much this place probably costs to run, like a lot, doesnt take a genius to figure that one out. They could fire half the staff and not much would be different. Most of the staff are redundant and they're paid pretty well. 

"Im too stupid"

I have trouble doing anything hard because I think I'm stupid a lot of the time. Like if I dont understand something I'll immediately think I'm stupid. Im not sure how to get out of this frame of thinking. Some of the thoughts I have about learning new things is “I’m stupid” “my brain is broken” “I’ll fail”

I think I feel similar thoughts about people. “They don’t like me” “Im too stupid” “they’ll get angry at me”. Yet its like a self fulfilling prophecy because people often think I’m stupid.

A lot of the time I have no motivation to do anything and I’m not sure why. Not sure if it’s because I keep thinking I’m stupid, or I’m comparing myself to other people. 

A lot of people compliment me on my computer skills, though I tend to think what I do they could do if they put their mind to it, they’re just too lazy. I learned my skills just bashing my head into a wall for years. Most people arent willing to do that. Also I just enjoy using my computer even though all I do on it is write inane notes to strangers and watch Youtube videos, or maybe play a video game.

I want to learn to program, I have learned some programming, but not very much. I lost all motivation to learn anything new. 

A lot of people I talk to about my problems think I’m depressed. I tend to depress people, I have no friends except people that depress me. Everyone else either ghosted me or ejected me out of their lives. 

Though I think there’s not much I can do about being depressed. I cant afford therapy. All that’s available to me is anti depressants and I know those don’t work and will make my problems worse. I was on Paxil before and I have permanent side effects from it.

Ungoogled Chromium

I've been using Ungoogle Chromium. I switched from Google Chrome because I found out it's basically spyware according to this article on the spyware watchdog website. I also want to run mostly open source software if possible. 

The only propietary software I run currently are my video games I have on steam. I dont play very many video games, so it's not a big deal if some of them dont work. I thought if running a Windows vm for that purpose once I learn qemu(You can pass hardware like the GPU to the guest machine from the host running the vm with qemu so you can play games on it as if it was running on bare metal) 

Apparently according to that site even Firefox in the default state is basically spyware. Though I switched from Firefox for a different reason. Before Firefox was frequently locking up on my computer so that's why I switched to Google Chrome for awhile. I also liked the convienence of syncing everything. Though later I realized how foolish that was. Ungoogled chromium is basically the same browser but it seems to be less bloatey. Probably because there's less going on with it.